When you were growing up, your parents may have enforced strict rules about sweets, television and bedtime. Yet when grandchildren arrive, those same rules can suddenly seem much more flexible.
If this sounds familiar, there may actually be a scientific explanation for why grandparents often find it so difficult to say “no.”
Researcher Dr. Neal K. Shah points to what is known as the “grandmother hypothesis,” an evolutionary theory that seeks to explain why humans are among the few species in which females can live for decades after their reproductive years have ended.
One explanation is that grandmothers who helped care for their grandchildren gave their families an evolutionary advantage. Their support allowed mothers to raise children while potentially having more offspring at shorter intervals. Over generations, this may have contributed to longer human lifespans.
What Happens in a Grandmother’s Brain?
A 2021 study from Emory University offered another fascinating insight into the bond between grandmothers and their grandchildren.
Researchers scanned the brains of 50 grandmothers while showing them photographs of their grandchildren, an unfamiliar child, an unfamiliar adult and their own adult children.
When the women looked at pictures of their grandchildren, areas of the brain associated with emotional empathy became particularly active.
This type of empathy goes beyond simply understanding another person’s feelings — it involves emotionally sharing their experience.
“This suggests that grandmothers are geared toward feeling what their grandchildren are feeling when they interact with them,” lead researcher James Rilling explained.
“If their grandchild is smiling, they’re feeling the child’s joy. And if their grandchild is crying, they’re feeling the child’s pain and distress.”
While the study cannot represent every grandmother, it was among the first to explore the neurological mechanisms behind the powerful bond between grandmothers and their grandchildren.
Why Spoiling Grandchildren Isn’t Necessarily a Bad Thing
Many parents know the scenario: they establish a rule, only for a grandparent to quietly bend it. A child might get an extra dessert, stay awake a little longer or receive something the parents had already said no to.
The explanation from grandparents is often simple: being a grandparent is different from being a parent.
Grandparents usually do not carry the same daily responsibility for discipline, routines and difficult parenting decisions. Instead, much of their time with grandchildren is centered around affection, enjoyment and shared experiences.
Research suggests that strong relationships with grandparents can benefit children, contributing to greater emotional stability and fewer behavioral difficulties. Some of these positive effects may continue into adulthood.
Grandparents can benefit as well. Staying actively involved in their grandchildren’s lives can provide a stronger sense of purpose, connection and happiness, which may also support their overall well-being.
That does not mean grandparents should ignore important parental boundaries. Parents should still have the final say on issues involving safety, allergies, health and other essential rules.
But when it comes to one more bedtime story or an occasional extra scoop of ice cream, it may not be worth turning into a family conflict.
A Bond That Benefits Everyone
The next time grandma offers another treat or grandpa allows the kids to stay up a little later, there may be more behind it than simple indulgence.
Research suggests that the close relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is deeply rooted in human development and may have helped families thrive for thousands of years.
Children can gain emotional security and affection, while grandparents gain joy, purpose and a stronger sense of connection.
Sometimes, letting grandparents spoil their grandchildren just a little may be good for everyone involved.
